egads and small fishes

The other day I was in the store and saw yet another plaque to hang up at home with the word SIMPLIFY. I was strongly drawn to the sentiment but I didn’t want to buy it and then have to find a place to hang it thereby complicating my day instead of achieving the simplification I longed for.

Since then I have contemplated what it would mean to simplify my life into something truly fulfilling and rewarding. It would mean a simple life where I can deal with the everyday tasks and responsibilities I have while also enjoying the simple everyday pleasures and the freedom to pursue goals that are both fulfilling and rewarding. I am not primarily motivated by the acquisition of money or possessions-not that I would complain about the acquisition of either. Rather, meaningful relationships with God, my husband and my family are. Seeing, both visually and intellectually, the world around me in new ways is a rewarding experience for me. I love pulling together what I observe, read, learn, and live and then converting it into new ways of seeing life more fully and deeply. And I long to express this to others. But what I imagine is a far cry from what I see in my real life.

What I see in my real life is a lot of areas that are out-of-control and I wonder how my life ever got into such a mess. I look around me and feel overwhelmed by all that I need and want to do. I don’t even know where to start. My futile attempts at getting a handle on my life have failed-miserably. Instead, I watch my life get further from my simple ideals and more complicated as each day passes.

I occasionally watch those home organizing shows on television and wish someone would come in and rescue me from my messy life. But I don’t think it is a matter of throwing away stuff and having a garage sale-although that might help.

How did my life get into such a chaotic state? I have a lot to be grateful for-I’m happily remarried, I have overcome and accomplished many things so far in life. However, these things are overwhelmed by so many other things that are robbing me of truly enjoying my simple, contented life. I have decades of scrapbook materials I want to get in books for my four sons, who are now between the ages of 24 and 17. I live in a cozy [a.k.a. small, modest] home that we have neglected for half of the eight years we’ve been married while my husband supported me through school-obtaining my bachelors degree in graphic design. I am still trying to assimilate two households-my husband’s and mine-as well as defining our joint household. I have relationships with my four sons and three step-children, ranging in age from 30 to 17, to build and maintain-each of whom have their own special needs as they face their own personal and career drama. I have a multitude of interests, both intellectually and creatively, for which I have collected information on-thanks to the information superhighway and the newspaper. I have a recipe collection that is out of control and a house that never gets quite clean. I have home improvement projects waiting to be completed and others to begin. Blah. Blah. Blah. The list goes on.

I know I’m not the only one who feels overwhelmed by a chaotic life. I have discussed this with my writer/teacher husband and he feels similarly. I watch my children, both biological and step, go through their own states of chaos in their lives. And when I want to laugh at myself and my predicament [instead of cry] I listen to folk singer/songwriter Cheryl Wheeler’s song on her Sylvia Hotel cd I’m Not Worthy which humorously pegs this overwhelming sense of all the things that I feel I should be doing. However, laughing at myself is not enough-I need to act.

Heaven knows, I’ve tried to act and fallen down in the attempt. But you know what they say about falling off a horse. Well, here I go. I’m getting back on the horse. Or maybe, I should just break down and go back to the store to buy the SIMPLIFY plaque and see if it can magically rescue me from my messiness.

j

[I adore Cheryl Wheeler’s Sylvia Hotel and Circle and Arrows. She is an amazing talent.]